How are you all today? I'm writing again from Fair Bean Coffee where I am breaking my 16-day streak juice fast by eating some yogurt, granola, and fruit. It's AMAZING. So much so that I took a picture :)
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Things are still going great here in Austin but I am feeling that weird vacuum of energy that comes from spreading yourself too thin. I said in my last post that I planned to engage in some radical self care (i.e. ME TIME) this week and it happened to some extent - but not as much as I probably needed. So here I am sitting in a coffee shop and missing people, things, and places that have consistently brought me the feelings of peace I need.
For example, my Great Grandma Kendall is on my mind a lot. I haven't seen her in a long time and she's one of those people who can center my soul in a matter of minutes. Just to be in her presence immediately puts me at ease. She is the kind of person who knows how to listen (I could take some lessons there) and how to find joy in simple things. This morning I watched this video taken during our last visit together and it brought me a little bit of that peace. Mom's telling a story about her husband, my great granddad, who passed away the same year I was born.
I love watching her in that video even though she's tearing up. She has been through so much (who hasn't when they're almost 100 years old!) and amazingly rarely complains about the hardships she's faced - such as surviving her husband for going on 30+ years. Can any of us even grasp what that must feel like? I love to pick her brain and hear what she has to say when I get the opportunity... :) I miss her and her gentle perseverance.
I've also been thinking a lot about one of my favorite movies: Cast Away. The story of Tom Hanks's character, Chuck Noland, in Cast Away is one of those modern day everyman stories I realllllly relate to. I cry like a baby when I watch that movie. Obviously it's not like I've ever been cast away to a deserted island...(at least not physically)...but who hasn't ended up in a place they never intended to end up in due to unforeseen circumstances? I guess if you haven't - you can probably expect that one such circumstance is coming - because we ALL end up there eventually. ;)
I really relate to the concept of timing and the idea of control in that movie. If you recall, the first part of the movie demonstrates how meticulous and scheduled Chuck is about timing. He is a living, breathing, walking, talking personification of FedEx's motto, "The World on Time." And then the unthinkable happens and he ends up as marooned as a person can end up. He is completely alone (who hasn't felt that way?), utterly helpless (if you haven't felt that way before...just wait), and he is forced to exist completely outside the structures of modern day civilization. 4 years of solitude ...without his girlfriend/family and without the job that provided him an identity. Time is indeed a powerful force.
I've felt more than a few times in my life that time has played a powerful role in determining how things will play out for me. Time is as much a deciding factor of outcomes in a life as are actions and decisions a person will make. In Cast Away, if Chuck had gotten off the island after one year, rather than 4 years, he probably could have prevented his girlfriend, Kelly, from marrying someone else. And if he hadn't lost Kelly to someone else he wouldn't have gone off to Texas (!!!) to return the FedEx box he never opened on the island and then met someone else. If, if, if.
This scene explains what I'm trying to say perfectly, in my opinion:
I have been struggling a lot lately with being totally non-resistant to where God has placed me today. I love where I am physically but I keep getting myself stuck thinking about "relationships" from my past :/ I'm not sure why that is. I was out last week on a date with a really nice person and I had a lot of fun - but I couldn't let go of wishing he was someone else that I need to let go of. I felt so bad that I was unfairly putting the person I was with at a disadvantage because I'm so stuck on people that time - and God - has placed outside of my reach for reasons I can't fully understand or appreciate at this time. It is so hard for me to let go of people and places. It makes me sadder than I can express in this ol blog...but I have to give myself - and others - a chance here in Texas. I guess this is part of being a grown up?? So mentally, I am trying to continue loving and appreciating the people that came before but I need to tie up the loose ends that I obviously still have in my heart. Even though I do appreciate and love those people, those loose "what if?" ends aren't serving anyone. I need to be more free with myself, these new friends, and the opportunities I am being faced with than I am allowing myself to be. I need to let go of my past and breathe deeply until the future arrives. And I believe with all my heart that my future is coming with a vengeance ;P
Anyway long story short - if you haven't seen Cast Away in a while it might be worth re-watching again :)
"So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."
Thanks for listening :)
Becky/Rebecca
PS: Got to give my girl Hillbilly Harrington big time friendship points for sending me this amazing postcard! It looks like ME dancing as Elvis sings!! Totally made my day to get this:
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Keep breathing is right, my friend. You reminded me of my Grandfather in this blog He's so content with the small stuff. Things that people in our generation may take for granted. I'll sometimes stop by and see him looking at the stars through a telescope or find that no one's home at all and as I am driving home, I see he's out for a walk. As I read this, I realize he provides similar solace to me.
ReplyDeleteI have fond memories of your Grandma Kendall driving us to and from school on occasion ;) By the way, she still looks the same to me after all these years!
It's amazing how much we complicate our lives and how much suffering we will go through before we become willing to hit our knees and give it up. At times I find myself, especially on my days off, packing in just too much. In his character in Castaway, I remember Tom Hanks describing himself as being "powerless" on that island. I've come to believe that I am oftentimes powerless over some people, places and things for sure... that the best I can do is let go. Easier said than done, of course, but that realization comes in handy when I am willing. After it's all said and done, it was a great deal easier to give it to God than to try and get through whatever I needed to on my own. By the way, the end credits music to Castaway cleverly titled "End Credits" by Alan Silvestri is quite worth the download. It comes in handy for a good cry ;)
I am so happy for you with regards to all the changes in your life! I can imagine it being quite draining but like you said, your future is coming on with a vengeance, and with that, I know a lot of good will come :)
I loved reading that, Tyler :) So glad you have this kind of worldview. You'll have to come see Austin sometime!
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