Yes, that was me screaming like a crazy woman.
Psheww.
It has been a MINUTE, you guys! I am so sorry to be so absent. I am here tonight, though, present and accounted for. Though honestly I am just here to vent... :/ But I guess this entry can count as a little update to those of you back home (and a foray into my stressed out mind for everyone else).
Never in my life have things in my life been so positive AND negative at the same time. I have been unleashing my usual arsenal on the negative stuff but it has been to no avail. I'm doing all the yoga things, the praying things, the help others things, the positivity things...ain't NOthing working!
I am desperate to get back on my path. And the minute I think I am back in the saddle...a text or request comes through that triggers that nagging little storm cloud out from where ever it was hiding. Grrr...
Folks, from where I sit this is about 2 simple things. #1 - I am being pulled in too many directions. This is manageable. And #2 - I am seriously wounded from unkind words from a friend that happened almost two months ago. This is less manageable.
Addressing #1. I love my tribe so much. You guys have no idea. I have real love for you people. But I can't go one day without one of the following sentences coming my way every 2-3 hrs:
"Help me with my project!" "Be on my team!" "You're missing out if you don't join!" "Sorry, I'm gonna be late!" "What are your results?" "Are we meeting?" "What's wrong with my account?" "Can you fix this?" "Why didn't you respond to my text?" "Do they know where we're meeting?" "How does that make you feel?" "Do you know his/her email?" "What did you mean by that?"
OH MER GERD. Shut up y'all! Please know I said that with love. But...shhh.
I feel like I am so freaking inundated with being the helper/organizer/den mother/support system in others lives that I can't accomplish the stuff I REALLY will regret not accomplishing in life (i.e. calling my grandmothers; writing letters; cleaning my house; starting my hoop business; BREATHING; finding the love of my life y'all!). Come on!
Addressing #2. And I'll tell you what...#2 is a direct reflection of #1. I have been so busy being BUSY that I clearly lost track of my communication skills with this person I have managed to upset. I won't go into specifics...but this person perceived my life in a way I've never had anyone perceive my life before. And she told me about it. And it hurt like nothing I've felt before. Now, I am an active learner on planet earth. I'm a good student...and I make sincere efforts to be the best version of myself. If someone tells me I suck...I'm gonna figure out if there's something to this person's analysis and then go about the business of doing better next time.
But something about this particular situation has been so difficult. I've overcome adversity and disagreement in friendships before. Maybe it's because this attack came from a beloved member of my circle of sister-friends. Maybe it's because it came so far out of left field to me. Could BUSYness have blinded me so badly? Am I really that hard to forgive?
Well, I tried to smooth things over...tried to apologize, move forward, and keep the relationship intact. But my heart isn't in it anymore. I keep trying to force my heart in it...and my heart is like, "Nope." This miscommunication between myself and a person I considered a sister in friendship is a wound that won't heal. I'm scarred by it and it makes me hold back with my other sisters. And I don't know how to make things better. :/
Anyway, in the weeks coming up I have arranged some things to happen so that I can feel the love and friendship that's missing. It's my hope that this will be the start of a new emotional direction for me. I'm not giving up on my friends who need my attention...and I know deep down I am not giving up on my friend who isn't ready to forgive me and move on. But I first need to make sure I'm not giving up on me. Me is all I've got.
Thanks for listening. Please leave your solutions to my life in the comments section.
Much love,
Rebecca
PS...I won't be like this much longer...promise. See - I'm having fun:
PPS...If you are my friend and you are concerned you might be in the category of people I mentioned who are encroaching on my sensitivity these days...please don't stop encroaching. I do love you. Just remember this entry, hug me, and make me laugh and drink coffee with me. Thanks <3
